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Thursday, 07 July 2011

hannah

Tuesday, 07 September 2010

PLEASE HELP! I NEED ADVICE

So im basically flipping out today. My outside is calm, but im thrashing around beating the mangled image of my mother in my head.
If you have kept up with my blog you will know how much I HATE my mom. Not a simple, she bugs me, but a literal I would kill her if I could Hate.

She is bi polar and refuses to take meds. My childhood was spent sleeping on the floor in dirty hotel rooms while she fucked strangers on the bed next to me. Every day was a new man and a new animal.(she hoards pet and children) She has always blamed my grandparents for her horrible life. Those people are saints! my grandparents adopted me after years of abuse, pulling me out of school, molestation, and other happenings. My mother kidnapped me out of school in 3rd grade. She was with a guy named robert at the time. I remember 2 police men grabbing me by the arm and dragging me past my class room while everyone looked out. My mom took me 3 hours away to hillbilly north georgia to live in a trailer park with robert. My day was cleaning, and hiding in a tent in a small room with my brother. We must have spent days in the tent made of sheets. My grandpa and aunt somehow found out where we were and came to the rescue. I remember my mom telling us to hide when they came to the door. I later found out my grandparents were put in jail for "kidnapping" us from here. Even though they were just trying to protect us. Any way though, I am the oldest. Austin and I were adopted by our grandparents. She then had 3 more with the man who molested me. They were taken away and given to another family, we havent seen them in 8 years or so. She then had holly with a new guy named mike. Mike wasnt actually all that bad, except for loving a crazy bitch who sleeps with men my age.

So my mom just took Holly the youngest out of school and to god knows where with a 21 year old guy. (hes my age BTW) Who she plans to fuck and marry(she told me that)
So now we have no idea where holly is! Im turning 21 in 3 weeks. I want mike to get her back and get fully custody then get a restraining order. I want to adopt her but id have to move from boston to georgia, and I dont have the money! I need advice, help, answers! Please if you know what to do tell me!

Sunday, 22 August 2010

The Mind Of Anorexia

Today I ate a huge dish of chinese food. Half way through I looked down and saw much stomach flowing over my pants. I told myself how nasty that is, I told myself I would work out tomorrow and continued to eat. This is my daily routine. Eating is a passion for me. I eat to feel, to emote, to keep busy, to relax. I eat to all the time in large amounts. Not healthy food either, fast food most of the time. 2 years ago before I started college I was 135 and 5'9. I am now 167 and 5'10. All my old clothes don't fit. I have to buy extra stretchy pants. I take size 12 pants now. Yea from 7 to 12. AWESOME. My boyfriend used to be really good about not wasting money on food. I changed that, and now hes just like me. Wasting money when we shouldn't, on food. Im trying to figure out where this never ending desire to eat comes from. Maybe its to satisfy myself physically where I cant mentally!?
I joined a gym and never went. I need motivation to lose 30 pounds. I want my abs back. I want my sexiness back! I want to be able to get naked and feel hot, not revolting.

I started thinking about people with anorexia. How there mind works almost the exact opposite of myself. They hate to have to eat, I cant stop. I thought for a second that I wanted to start thinking like that. How convenient it would be that my mind would get on track! Then I read some blogs on xanga where all these beautiful women were posting pictures of thier ribs. Suddenly my chub didnt seem so bad. I wanted to find words that would make them see what they are doing to themselves. There arent any though. Every answer is in their own minds.
I am going to just take better care of myself. Motivate me please! And pray for those people.....

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Building my portfolio(images)

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Racist prick!!!!

On GMH.com There was a post that said this....

I AM WHITE. MY DAUGHTER IS ADOPTED AND BLACK. Today I leaving a store with my daughter and everyone was giving me disgusted looks. One girl, no older than 13, stopped me and said, "Your daughter is so adorable!" The direction that this generation is going GMH!

And he responds...
Damian Dilla Dixon why dont you adopt yur own kind! black ppl are not a charity case,just cause 'blind side' came out white ppl gettin way to comfortable then they should!!

Patrick Crowley wow Damian Dilla Dixon no offense but that was a DI*ck thing to say. im adopted and have a better life now cuz of it

him-ok and your point is..?? whites started it hundred of year ago..now expect to just act like everything is fine??...maybe you need to open your eyes woman!!

me-I am a native American, Jewish woman. My people were either almost completely destroyed or persecuted before yours Damian. I look just white though. Maybe you owe me something, because your ancestors hurt my people?

him-@samantha..1.YOUR WHITE WITH MIX ORIGINS 2.WHAT TIMEINE YOU LOOKING AT SAY YOUR PPL WAS ABUSED befor mine??

me-I wasnt aware that there was more than one time line? The first African slave was taken in 1619. The first Jewish have been enslaved since ancient Egyptian times.
Are you 100 percent african?

him-am i 100% african hmmm is that a concern of yours..white woman?

me-sorry people are so down on blacks, but your not making it any better. Your representing your culture as poorly. The best way to stop racism is by not spreading it around. Your talking down this poor lady for adopting a black little girl. THATS A MIRACLE! That woman had enough love in her hear to know that girl was her daughter! That alone should show you the state of the world and its progress
I really hope you find acceptance and learn forgiveness damian. Your probably a very nice person, but you have a lot to learn about the world.

him- yea call me what ever..but i still find it funny everybody gots something to say whos not black..i stand on my responses

me-because you directed your comment at people who arent black......im really confused with your logic....

him-oh my logic is very clear you choose to look pass it (ignore) ya know, thats fine a few facebook comments still wont change whats outside your front dorr..

him-ok FYI..BLACK IS A NEGATIVE TERM OK! im brown skinned incase you guys didnt notice(retards) 2.im a african american ok..correct your self ,before you step to me!

me-and im not white im caucasian. You best step back!

him-‎@samantha-and your point is..your people (pilgrims) killed the indians..you cant talk!

me- my people werent pilgrims......
OMFG I never enslaved anyone! I never went up to anyone and said GTFO. I dont owe your people shit. If im ignorant for saying that ok, but at least im honest. Jesus you act like every white person today has a kkk uniform in their closet. The facts are if your nice, I could care less if you were sprouting wings! Im never going to apologize for something My ancestors(which WERENT PILGRIMS) didnt do. Even if they did...NO!

him-see my poiny actually lol you push 'one' alittle bit and see the results,she snapped..prime example SAMANTHA! silent rascism

me-I didnt snap at all. I have been telling you this since the beggining! Im not all white, my best friend for 11 years is black, gay, and jewish.And how is anything I said racist in the least! By saying I wont apologize? Youre the most ignorant, racist, self absorbed man i have ever spoken to.

him-im paranoid or confused..i just know my ROOTS! and i stand 1000% behind them,the reason my race is mixed cause the whites slept with all the african women back then!IT IMPOSSIBLE TO TRY AND EDUCATE ME ON MY ROOTS..WHEN YOU DRIVE THREW MINORITY COMMUNITYS AND PAR..WHY DO MOST OF YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS WHILE YOU INSIDE THE CAR HUH?

me- Its good to love your race and yourself. Point blank you came up with the "black people arent charity cases" why would you even say that?
If your point was to hurt people it worked. It hurt us to know you can even think that way.I do not dis...like you because your "AFRICAN AMERICAN" I dont like you because your close minded. How do you know your great great great grandparents werent a B and w couple who were in love?

me-HOW DO YOU KNOW WE LOCK OUR DOORS WHEN WE ARE IN THE CAR! OOOOOOOO I WANNA PUNCH YOU IN THE TEMPLE@!Y*TE#

him-punch me lol i will gladly knock you the fuck out :D

me-so you do beat women......

then we exchanged a few yo momma lines